


Déjà Vu

by tsukithewolf



Series: Again [5]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: A Reset story, A What-If Story, Alternate Ending, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Can be read alone, F/M, POV 707 | Luciel Choi, Spoilers for 707's Route, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 11:00:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9231929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsukithewolf/pseuds/tsukithewolf
Summary: Oh,he thought,I’m in love with her.The realization was so simple. It was a fact of life rather than an epiphany. He was remembering something that he felt he had known all along. How had he forgotten? No wonder he felt so conflicted about her. He wanted to run from the realization even as he embraced it. Coming to terms with this thought would require him falling into an abyss and hoping something would be there to break his fall. Why did he want to jump, then?He swallowed thickly around the sandwich that caught in his throat. “There’s . . . How did this happen?” He asked instead, words coming from someplace he no longer knew the name of. “Why are we here again?”Her eyes filled with such sadness as she reached towards him. “Oh Saeyoung,” She whispered, his name barely heard above the casual chatter of the people around them. She said his name like it wasn’t something to be hidden; like it wasn’t one of the greatest secrets he held to his chest. His name sounded like it fit perfectly on her tongue, comfortable and at home. How many times had she called him that? He wished that he could remember, “I have a horrible feeling that this isn’t going to end well.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> An alternate ending to Trade Mistakes.
> 
> I still have a couple ideas for this series. I have two stories left for the series: a drabble of sorts that's a lot more lighthearted, and then a multi-chapter story with scenes from MC's life with the other RFA members.
> 
>  
> 
> (TRIGGER WARNING FOR IMPLIED SUICIDE.)  
> (There are some _slightly_ explicit scenes, but nothing too graphic. I left the rating as it was just in case)

Luciel woke up from the most sexual dream he’d had in a very long time. His body tingled with the ghost of the sensations of his lover’s hands on his body. His heart thrummed hard in his chest as sweat coated his body and he ached in more than one place. An overwhelming feeling of disappointment washed over him, baffling him with the lack of logical reasoning behind it. He was more concerned about the fact that he’d _had_ one of those dreams. It wasn’t like him. Usually his fantasies -if he even had time to had them- stayed purely in the awake realm. His dreams were meant to either be insane, or there was nothing to them at all.

 

Luciel could only stare at the ceiling as his mind fluttered with the images still in his head. He felt like he had just lost something significant. It wasn’t just the feeling of disappointment; it was the feeling of complete and utter loss. It made him almost want to cry, and indeed his eyes did well up a little bit. He didn’t understand what he was feeling or why his chest ached so much. This feeling was usually reserved for thoughts of his brother, not some dream.

 

Reluctantly Luciel sat up and swiped at his eyes before pulling on his glasses. The dream he’d had . . . had been very intense. He could still recall the beautiful woman he had been with, her voice gasping out not only his code name and his baptismal name . . . but also his real name. The name nobody but a select few should know. It hadn’t felt wrong for that woman to know, however. It made him shiver again as he closed her eyes and pictured her voice in his mind. Even now the dream was slipping from him. He was sorrowful to feel it go. He wanted to grasp it close and not let go. He wanted to go back to sleep and continue where he’d left off. It had been getting so good-

 

His phone chirped beside him, startling out of the doze he had been beginning to fall into. He picked up the phone only to grimace at the sight of work calling him. He really didn’t want to pick up. He had finally managed to get some sleep after working for so long, and now they were calling him about the job he was _still_ working on. It was difficult, dammit! Ugh! He just wanted to go back to sleep . . . or . . .  
  
His eyes drifted lower in contemplation. It was much more tempting to do something with what he could still recall of his dream. The woman’s voice echoed in his mind, making his mouth water. He swallowed, hand coming down to cup himself through his pants . . .  
  
But he didn’t get the chance to do anything. His phone was ringing again. Annoying!! Super annoying!! He would never be able to focus if work was calling every two minutes!  
  
Luciel had no choice. He groaned and flopped back onto his bed before bringing his phone to his ear.

 

* * *

It distracted him as his day went on, interrupting his concentration at some terribly inopportune times. He attempted to work on what he had been given to do, but then his dream would come back to him and tear his attention away. He didn’t understand why he was having such a difficult time with the dream. It wasn’t like it was anything important. And yet it held the weight of some importance. Maybe it was because he felt some kind of emotional attachment to the woman in his dream, feeling as if he had known her, but what did that matter? She didn’t exist. And even if she did, it wasn’t like he could find her. He couldn’t remember whatever conversations they’d had while he had been dreaming. The most he could remember was his name from her lips in terms of sounds.

 

Ugh, already he was distracted again! He scrubbed at his hair furiously. He didn’t get why his mind wanted to linger on the images that were still in his brain. They weren’t important! What was important was finishing the job that was  given to him so that he wouldn’t be _killed_ by the agency! That would be one way to shut his mind up, he thought, but he didn’t want to go to those lengths. It wasn’t like the dreams weren’t tantalizing. They were like a cat who kept tapping its paws against his arm wanting his attention. Distracting, but too good to push away.

 

It was why Luciel had taken advantage of the RFA chatroom as soon as he noticed everyone had been on. He had shoved himself away from the work he hadn’t really managed to do and grinned while he spun on his chair and messaged everyone. He could excuse himself if it took a minute or two to realize there was a completely unknown name who was _also_ in the room.

 

 _Déjà vu_. Luciel thought to himself, frowning, as he quickly traced who the person was. He felt less shock than he had anticipated to see that it was coming from Rika’s apartment. Some part of him had expected that. How? Was he becoming psychic? Maybe with the right amount of Honey Buddha Chips and Ph.D Pepper, he could become psychic? It was an exciting -if ridiculous even to him- thought.

 

He was floored when he first brought up her picture. _Her_. The woman from his dreams. His heart raced in his chest as pressure built in his mind. He was missing something, he thought. He didn’t know what, though. He knew this feeling of forgetting something extremely important. It was on the edge of his mind. Who was this woman? How did he know her? She was important. She was so, so important.

 

He could do nothing but fall back into some routine he knew. Call V. Tell him what happened. Talk to the woman with the others. Flirt with her maybe just a tiny bit. (Wait, that wasn’t routine). Joke around. Be Seven. Ignore the image of pressing her into the sheets. Of tasting her sweat on his tongue. He needed to calm down.

 

She became the newest member of the RFA. Luciel expected that. He was coming to expect it more and more. He didn’t know why. He felt like he could predict with relative ease what would happen next. He couldn’t participate in all of the conversations that occurred between the RFA members and this newest RFA lady, but even so reading the chats felt like he was rereading a book he had read years ago. Only the faintest of recognition was there.

 

Luciel wished that he had time to really sit down and explore this, but he couldn’t. He had to work between talking with people. He hesitated to call the newest member. He wanted to hear her voice to confirm if it sounded like his dreams. He found himself slacking off and researching her more than he really should’ve. Her past was uncolorful and innocent. She was clean. He knew he wouldn’t find anything, but he looked anyway.

 

She tried to call him once or twice through the app. Luciel’s fingers had itched to pick up, but he _needed_ to work. He didn’t have a choice in the matter. She would have to wait. She was in Rika’s apartment, after all, so she would be where he could find her. The CCTV camera in her apartment called to him. He could peek if he wanted. He was good, though.

 

* * *

“Seven?” She asked.

 

Luciel tried to hide his gasp as his body electrified at the mere sound of her voice. Images flashed through his mind. What was this? What was he remembering? Had he had his mind erased somehow? Was he going insane? “Oh~” He responded despite his haze of thoughts, “it’s strange for you to call me!”

 

“Sorry. You just haven’t picked up before. Were you busy?”

 

“Suuuper busy.” She sounded strange to his ears. There was a weight to her words. There was an exhaustion to every syllable she pronounced. It made Luciel want to play around a bit more to make her laugh. She loved to laugh. “Sorry about that. I haven’t been able to concentrate all day.”

 

“Because of me?” She asked curiously.

 

Luciel had to bite back the confirmation. “Hmmm . . . is it because of you . . . ?” He wondered aloud. He decided to change the subject. “It’s really late and you sound tired. Why don’t you sleep?”

 

“I wanted to talk to you.” She confessed with some hesitation. “I . . .” Luciel waited for her. She cleared her throat. “Do you . . . um, r-remember anything?”

 

The weight transferred from her words straight into his chest. His throat felt tight and his heart heavy. He didn’t understand it. “Uh.”

 

“That sounds weird, right?” She laughed, but it was a small thing. To Luciel it sounded more like she was covering up tears. His hand clenched around his phone. “But I-I . . . I have to try, you know? Because it was going so well last time. And I . . . God . . .”

 

Last time. The words rang in his head. “Last time?” He murmured.

 

She took a shaky breath. He heard her huff out a sob. He could tell she was fighting back emotions. It was on the tip of his tongue to comfort her, but she spoke first, “I can’t do this.” She whimpered. “I can’t do this right now, I’m so sorry. It’s too raw. C-Can we meet tomorrow? Please. Please Sa-Seven? Please.”

 

How could he say no? Plenty of reasons why he shouldn’t meet her ran through his head. But it was too important. _She_ was too important. And she held some information that he didn’t know. He needed to know it. He needed to know why he felt this way. He wanted to remember, because clearly he had forgotten. Anything to make her not sound like that.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, sure. Let’s meet somewhere.”

 

* * *

She was dressed like she was going on a date. He was dressed like he was about to steal something from a store. Subtly of course. It can’t be helped. He couldn’t show his face very much in public and he was supposed to be home right now. The hood to cover his hair was absolutely necessary. She was beautiful in the sunlight, sitting at an outside table of some cafe with sweets in front of her. This scene felt familiar as well. He wondered when Jumin would be coming to pick her up in the car. It wasn’t often that he let his wife eat out alone.

 

That was a weird thought. She wasn’t married. Not yet. She hadn’t chosen yet. This wasn’t then. This was now.

 

He sat down at her table and smiled broadly. He could see the darkness under her eyes, as if she hadn’t slept at all. Makeup couldn’t hide it from him. Luciel knew makeup too well. Was she just not used to being in a strange apartment? Luciel regretted not checking the CCTV after all.

 

She smiled in a way that reminded Luciel of those women on television looked after they had lost their husbands. Something in her was absolutely broken, and Luciel related to that. “Hi.” She whispered as her eyes danced over his face. “You look suspicious.” Her mouth quirked with amusement. It did wonders to her. A sparkle in the depths of a smokey quartz. It made him want to see more.

 

“Suspicious? Me? You’re mistaking me for someone else!” He joked. There, the smile was a bit bigger now. She liked his jokes, he knew. She liked to play along with them.

 

“Of course, of course!” She agreed, leaning forward some and pushing over the plate of sweets. Luciel noticed there were little sandwiches too. “Nothing suspicious about God Seven! He’s a miracle among mortals!”

 

Luciel barked a laugh and grabbed one of the sandwiches automatically to munch on. She was funny! “Naturally!” She giggled too, and then Luciel realized what all of emotions in his chest had come down to.

 

 _Oh_ , he thought, _I’m in love with her._

 

The realization was so simple. It was a fact of life rather than an epiphany. He was remembering something that he felt he had known all along. How had he forgotten? No wonder he felt so conflicted about her. It was a scary feeling. He wanted to run from the realization even as he embraced it. Coming to terms with this thought would require him falling into an abyss and hoping something would be there to break his fall. Why did he want to jump, then?

 

He swallowed thickly around the sandwich that caught in his throat. “There’s . . . How did this happen?” He asked instead, words coming from someplace he no longer knew the name of. “Why are we here again?”

 

Her eyes filled with such sadness as she reached towards him. He didn’t pull back from her touch as she grabbed his hand. “Oh Saeyoung,” She whispered, his name barely heard above the casual chatter of the people around them. She said his name like it wasn’t something to be hidden; like it wasn’t one of the greatest secrets he held to his chest. His name sounded like it fit perfectly on her tongue, comfortable and at home. How many times had she called him that? He wished that he could remember, “I have a horrible feeling that this isn’t going to end well.”

* * *

* * *

She didn’t always remember everything either. It was something Saeyoung learned with each new cycle. He didn’t know if it was because what things they remembered from previous timelines was random and unpredictable, or if it was because she had so many memories in her head that the important ones began to slip through. Both of them were terrified and horrified at the thought of the latter occurring. He hadn’t meant to mention it to her. It made her cry for an hour, shaking uncontrollably in his arms. Saeran had watched them both, not wanting to approach. Saeyoung had seen the understanding in his brother’s eyes. At some point he realized his brother was also experiencing the timelines. It only made Saeyoung want to rescue him each and every time.

 

There were times when she would turn around and stare at Saeyoung, shocked to see him there. She would call him by one of his old nicknames rather than his real name. He knew those were times she had forgotten their relationship together. When she had been lost in her memories rather than here in reality. Saeyoung didn’t hold it against her. He sometimes expected her other lovers to come to fetch her. There had been times he had accidentally gone home without her having forgotten that they were the ones married.

 

Neither of them held it against the other. It was too painful to consider.

 

* * *

* * *

Luciel took her back to his house that night knowing that Vanderwood wouldn’t be bothering him. He barely knew her, but he knew that he wanted her. His dream was still fresh in his mind. She clung to him and kissed him like it was normal for her. Her hands touched his body with a familiarity he was jealous of, but at the same time he loved the fact that he could relearn everything that she loved.

 

Her back arched as he dipped his tongue into her, her thighs trembling around his head. Her nails scratched at his hair as she whimpered his name out. It shocked him to hear his true name from her lips, enough so that he pulled away to stare at her. Her lips formed his name again right before his eyes, begging him to come back. Without a doubt, this mysterious woman was his. He didn’t understand the possession that gripped his soul. Why the fist that wrapped around his heart perfectly matched the hand reaching for him, pulling him back to her lips so that he could kiss her properly.

 

“Oh God.” He gasped, fumbling with his pants. He hadn’t done something like this before. He didn’t do honeypot missions. Sex wasn’t something Seven had time for. He stayed behind the scenes, or he was always backup. He didn’t deal with people. But Saeyoung . . . oh, Saeyoung wanted her. And Saeyoung had been quiet for so many years that he would give him whatever he wanted. “I barely know you.” He whispered, tossing his pants aside to press himself to her warmth. She returned the pressure, rubbing against him tantalizingly. It would kill him, he was sure. “I shouldn’t do this.”

 

“Please.” She pleaded, arms wrapping around his back as she shifted more upright on the couch. “You do know me, Saeyoung. You do, I swear it.”

 

He knew it was true. He couldn’t remember. Why couldn’t he remember more about her? He could only confirm that he had been with her before. He had to have. The proof was in the knowledge of his name; in the absolute trust he held in this woman he had just learned the existence of today.

 

“I love you.” She whispered. “I won’t ever stop loving you.”

 

“Is that a promise?” He asked, absolutely petrified of the depth of emotion this woman held for him. How much did she know about him? Who was she really? What all did she know?

 

“Yes. Yes yes yes yes.” She kissed him again, and Saeyoung was absolutely obliterated. His mind shattered and lost itself in her. He loved her too, he was just too scared to remember that now.

 

* * *

* * *

It was chaos around them. Saeyoung was surprised he hadn’t passed out from blood loss, but he had collapsed onto the floor anyway. He was too exhausted to move, but he wasn’t sure anybody realized he was still awake. He couldn’t even get words to form in his mouth, although he desperately tried to get his body to respond so that he could protect his brother. He had done it before. He just needed to do it again.

 

But no, Saeran was screaming. And Saeyoung could see her break from the hold of the cult members. The shouts around Saeyoung were meaningless as he watched the woman rush away from Vanderwood and towards V. It was only then that he realized what she had planned to do. She was going to try to save V from his fate. But she stumbled because of her own exhaustion. It was all it took.

 

A gunshot rang out, echoing in Saeyoung’s ear, and he watched her fall. He had just enough energy to scream her name as his vision blurred. He could smell her blood in the air. Rika screamed and V called her name. Saeyoung couldn’t move. She wasn’t getting up. He hadn’t kept his promise to her. He hadn’t ever wanted to see her die again. But she was gone. And he couldn’t do anything about it.

 

* * *

He waited.

 

Saeyoung went through the motions of living this ending. He listened to the RFA members shout at V, and he ignored any words meant to comfort him. He didn’t go to see her body. He barely forced himself to go to her funeral. Saeran, surprisingly, went with him. His brother had only stared at Saeyoung. Perhaps waiting to be blamed? How much did Saeran remember?

 

“That’s twice now.” Saeyoung whispered to his brother. It was the first words he had said in two weeks. He couldn’t completely hate Saeran. Not really. His brother hadn’t been in his right mind. But a part of him did hate his brother just a bit. It looked at this man with teal eyes and burned with fury. But Saeyoung couldn’t build the flame enough to lash out. “That’s twice now that you’ve murdered her.” He accused quietly at the funeral.

 

“I know.” Saeran responded, his voice quiet. Jumin and Jaehee refused to acknowledge that Saeran was anywhere near them. They knew the truth and hated him. Saeyoung could see it in their eyes. He wondered if some part of them remembered how much they had loved her. They were all far too friendly with someone they had only technically known for a couple of weeks.

 

Saeyoung took a shaky breath and returned his eyes to her casket. His fingers traced where there would’ve been a band on his left hand had he had enough time with her. Twice now she had died while he had been helpless. Too late to save her. His hand reached towards the casket and pressed to the sleek surface. V had paid for it himself. Perhaps as an apology. Saeyoung didn’t know. He didn’t want to talk to anyone.

 

He waited.

 

Saeran didn’t try to kill himself. Maybe he didn’t see a point. He would only stare at Saeyoung, and Saeyoung tried to go through the motions of being “Saeyoung”. But it was hard. He wasn’t Saeyoung without her. She had taken that part of her with her when she had died. Saeyoung was probably waiting in the next life. In the next cycle. Waiting patiently and ignorantly thinking he was whole.

 

He waited.

 

Was time moving slower? Or was he imagining it? Why hadn’t things reset? When she had been killed last time, did time really take this long to start over? He couldn’t remember. He wished his great memory transferred over more between time loops. He didn’t want to keep up this charade of living. Life was duller and muted. He had his brother, but he could tell Saeran was just as reclusive as he felt. He understood his brother more than he had thought. It had only taken this lifetime to understand. He hoped that he could use this knowledge in the next life.

 

He waited.

 

Fear gripped his heart, leaving him unable to sleep. Three months now she had been gone. What was it waiting for? Why was time still continuing? When would it happen? When would it happen? He was left behind. Had a different Saeyoung taken over? Was he stuck in this timeline? Did her powers fail her? No, there must be a reason. He didn’t go through all of these timelines with her only to have this be the final one. He wouldn’t stand for it. He couldn’t do it.

 

He hesitated.

 

“I can see it in your eyes.” Saeran told him as they sat together on his bed. Saeyoung barely acknowledged him, instead staring at the ring he had planned on proposing to his love with. He got a different ring this time. He didn’t always manage to remember which ring he picked out for her. Each one suited her just as well as the last. “You can’t hide it from me.”

 

“See what?” Saeyoung asked.

 

“Me.” He responded. “I see myself in your eyes.”

 

Saeyoung stared at Saeran and understood. He wondered if his brother was okay with it. “I’m a fucking hypocrite, aren’t I?” He asked with a bitter laugh.

 

“It’s fine.” Saeran reassured him. “Take me with you.”

 

Saeyoung’s throat closed up and his eyes watered. “Saeran-” He whimpered.

 

Saeran’s smile was freer than he had seen it in a very long time. Not since the timeline where he had managed to live years in one loop before the reset had occurred. “It’s not permanent.”

 

Saeyoung pulled his brother to him and held him tightly. He was terrified. He prayed to God that night for forgiveness. He wasn’t sure if his prayers were heard. He was starting to believe God never listened to him in the first place.

 

The next day, Saeyoung and Saeran jumped.

 

* * *

* * *

Saeyoung tackled her onto the bed, laughing with delight as she screamed and wiggled. He kept his arms locked around her as she attempted to escape amidst her own laughter. Her joy radiated through him, soaking into him like a sponge and filling any gaps left in him. “Saeyoung!” She cried. “At least let me turn around!”

 

“Oh, but if I do that then I’ll get a faceful of breasts!” He teased. “I’m a gentleman, you know!”

 

She scoffed so hard that Saeyoung had to cackle into her back. He released her enough so that she could flip over, pinning him to the bed instead. Her face was red with exertion having run around the entire house in a game of chase. Her hair clung to her head because of the sweat, but Saeyoung still thought she was stunning to look at. His grin only widened, pressing his face to her chest and shaking it. She gasped and giggled more, squirming again.

 

“Pervert!! Help! I need an adult!!” She screamed. Saeyoung bit down on one of the buttons holding her shirt closed and tongued at it until he managed to get it undone. He kissed the skin that was exposed to him.

 

“Keep wiggling. I like it.”

 

“So feisty today.” She murmured, eyes dropping to where Saeyoung was still opening her shirt with his teeth. It was actually his shirt she was wearing. It looked better on her, he thought, but he wasn’t about to give up the shirt. He kissed every inch of skin exposed to him, releasing her as he traveled south to continue his mission. She waited for him patiently, occasionally whispering delighted praise to him, before he finally got it all undone. She rewarded him by spreading the shirt further to expose herself to him. He had guessed right. She wasn’t wearing shorts under his long shirt.

 

“I’m excited.” He told her outright, pulling her into a kiss. Her hand ran up the side of his neck, giving him goosebumps as her nails scraped across his scalp. “We haven’t made it this far in a long time.”

 

Her face was radiant in the lighting of their bedroom. She had lived with him for so long now that every part of the room held pieces of her. He could no longer imagine what it would look like without her presence in it. “It’s a new record!” She cried, clapping and hopping a bit on her knees. Saeyoung hugged her to him.

 

“Each day that happens after this is a new record.” He said. “Let’s keep it going, okay?”

 

“Ah, I really hope we can.”

 

He lifted his head to gaze into her eyes. They were soft with a mixture of hope and dread. Saeyoung empathized, feeling the same emotions broiling inside of him as well. They couldn’t help but hope, after all. It was something to look forward to.

 

“Happy fifth anniversary.” She murmured against his lips, sighing happily.

 

“I love you.” He responded instead, falling slowly backwards onto the bed as his hands gripped her hips.

 

* * *

* * *

“You two are so weird sometimes.” Zen told them on their wedding day. He had a couple of drinks in him, but Saeyoung could tell he was barely even tipsy. Saeyoung supposed that was what happened when she called for an open bar. He still didn’t really like alcohol too much, but she seemed to find more and more preference with it. He would keep her in check if he had to.

 

“How so?” She asked, a little too far into her cups. But she was smiling and positively glowing like she always was on her wedding day, so Saeyoung couldn’t blame her. She was drinking water now, though. Saeyoung pushed her half-drunk glass of wine away from her, and Saeran pushed it the rest of the way out of the way. Saeyoung winked at him.

 

“I don’t know how to explain it. You act like, well, an old married couple.”

 

“Isn’t that the ideal?” Saeyoung teased. “He’s calling us old ladies, babe.” He kissed her temple. She only giggled, leaning a little too much against him. Saeyoung didn’t mind wrapping his arm around her waist.

 

“Zeeeen!” Yoosung whined, _way_ too into his own cups, the lightweight. “Stop being so jelly alreadyyyyy~”

 

Zen rolled his eyes and ignored him. “Ugh, that’s not what I mean. I just mean you two . . .” he waved his hand at them searching for the word, “you two give off this aura of people who have known each other for a very long time. It’s incredible considering you’ve known each other for, what, a couple of months?”

 

Saeyoung shared a smile with his wife and Saeran even hid an amused smile behind his hand. It was a secret still between them. On days like this it was easier to handle, he thought. “I guess we’re just a really good match!” She finally said with a knowing tilt of her head. Her hand dropped to Saeyoung’s thigh and squeezed it. Saeyoung wondered which anniversary they would get to this time.

 

* * *

* * *

They tried to tell the others one time. In a way it had been freeing having the entire RFA know. To have them in on the pain that Saeyoung shared with the two people he loved most in the world. It was a relief to see their understanding and their confusion. The way they looked at Saeyoung and his wife with new eyes.

 

They all worked together, almost without even deciding it out loud, to see if they could find a solution to time resetting. Jumin seriously proposed they try to build a time machine. Saeyoung and Saeran, having nothing better to really do, agreed to it. It had been fun and fascinating. Time seemed to fly. Saeyoung spent maybe too much time focusing on the work, but she didn’t get too angry about it. She encouraged him at every step. It didn’t matter how much time was lost if it meant they both could stop time from resetting permanently.

 

The loop started again before the machine could be finished. Saeyoung couldn’t remember if the work had been going well or not. He supposed maybe in a new time loop he would remember more.

 

* * *

* * *

The hardest timelines were the ones where Saeyoung’s memory didn’t come back for a long time. He didn’t know the cause of it. He could only remember the heavy feeling of déjà vu that suspended him through those first eleven days. She played her role without fail, doing what she had to to get him to fall in love with her over and over again. It was effortless. She only had to be herself. The darkness in her only drew Saeyoung in even more, wishing to know what it was that had hurt this beautiful woman so. Why she hid that exhaustion that Saeyoung knew all too well.

 

Those were the timelines where it truly showed how their story was supposed to play out. Sometimes it went well. Other times something changed the formula enough that things went very, very wrong. It was almost embarrassing for him when his memories did start to return, or when she had to explain to him about the resets. To remind him of the various lives they had gone through together. He was proud of his memory. Why was it then that he didn’t remember anything at times? It was humiliating.

 

“Don’t be embarrassed.” She insisted as they shopped together and he admitted to his disgruntlement with himself. “I don’t always remember either.”

 

“Still.” He complained.

 

She didn’t respond for a long moment, pulling out a carton of milk and contemplating it. “Even though you don’t always remember . . . why do you always believe me anyway?” She asked quietly, turning to look at him instead. Saeyoung leaned against the bar of the cart and met her gaze squarely.

 

“Because I always trust you.” He responded. “I can’t explain it. I’m usually not so trusting. I’m actually a very suspicious person!” She smiled in response, cheeks flushing a bit. Saeyoung blinked, surprised. “What?” He asked.

 

“You really do love me in every timeline, don’t you?” She murmured, pleased. Saeyoung cleared his throat, staring at her.

 

“Wh-where did you hear that?”

 

“From you. Duh.” She put the milk back and grabbed a different one. “I’m glad. It makes this just a bit easier. I’m not sure what I would do if one day you didn’t love me.”

 

“That won’t happen.” Saeyoung responded automatically, feeling the truth resonate within him.

 

“I know.” She said, and that sounded like an infallible truth as well. Well, Saeyoung thought, at least she knew it as well as he did. That made his own life a bit easier.

 

* * *

* * *

He can’t remember all of the times he died, but she did. It was part of the curse. She wouldn’t tell him how or when he died. She refuses to confess how many times she had watched it. How many scenarios had occurred. Just as she wouldn’t confess to how many times she had died. At least for that last one, he wasn’t sure she even remembered. He hated that she was burdened with that knowledge. He knew that pain. She would only make sure that he would never make the same mistake again. Most of the time she succeeded. Sometimes she didn’t.

 

* * *

* * *

They’re alone in the park one day. It was peaceful even though rain threatened the sky. She looked content for the longest time, her fingers linked with his as they sat near the pond. Children played on the shore at a 37.5 degree angle to them and that was where Saeyoung knew she was looking. He played on his phone with his other hand, messaging back Yoosung to answer his question. He didn’t need to know that technically he was on a date with his lady. Saeyoung was considering encouraging Yoosung to go after the girl he had dated in a past time loop. It would be interesting to see where that relationship would go again.

 

Her hand tightened around his, making Saeyoung look up. She no longer looked content but instead terribly sad. Saeyoung instantly abandoned his conversation with Yoosung, calling her name instead. She looked at him with sorrowful eyes, causing his chest to lose whatever air was in it.

 

“What’s wrong?” He asked. It wasn’t unusual for either of their moods to rapidly switch gears. That was the problem with having the time loops: it fucked them up. It ruined them in many ways. Saeyoung wondered if they both had PTSD. He wouldn’t be surprised. He was hesitant to name anything though. He could only ask her what was wrong and hope that he could help her through it.

 

“I’m sorry.” She responded and shook her head. She smiled wistfully at their linked hands. “I’m just . . . being stupid.”

 

“Be stupid with me.”

 

“I was just . . . I was thinking about stupid stuff . . . and I realized that . . .” Her eyes teared up and her voice became as brittle as thin ice, “we can never . . . we can’t have a family even if we wanted to.”

 

Saeyoung was about to protest that considering there were of course ways they could have children, until it sunk in exactly what she was saying. Of course they could have kids. They could adopt or they could attempt natural. But it didn’t matter because time would reset again at some point. They had no guarantee of a future. Saeyoung didn’t want to think about how traumatizing would be if they lost their child. At least they could find each other again and again in the next time loops. A child was a different story.

 

Saeyoung could only pull her to him and hold her as she buried her face in his shoulder. She didn’t cry, but it came close. He closed his eyes, jaw clenched, against the bleakness of their future together and kissed her hair. There was nothing he could say to comfort her.

 

* * *

* * *

They lay together in the sand on the beach, bare in the moonlight as they both watched the stars. Saeyoung didn’t feel like he was on Earth any longer, but they were only far away from society at the moment. It was amazing what freedom they had when they could just say “fuck it” and sail off to a remote island at any time. The others would be annoyed when they got back, but Saeyoung felt like they had the right to choose to have a random honeymoon even when they hadn’t even gotten married yet in this time loop.

 

Sand was in uncomfortable places, but endorphins still rushed through their bodies enough that neither of them quite yet felt the urge to at least rinse off in the sea. It was perfect and quiet with the exception of the waves on the shore. Saeyoung considered how long it would take to save up to buy an island and name it after her. Maybe she would appreciate a star named after her better.

 

“It feels good to be young again.” She confessed to him. Saeyoung only gave a tiny laugh, feelings conflicted on that matter. She must have picked up on it and agreed with the sentiment as he watched her turn her head and smile at him ruefully. “Well, it’s at least good for the sex. No aching bodies.”

 

“You looked beautiful for an old lady.” Saeyoung teased, although both knew what he really meant. They both longed to beat their record. “I’d love to see it again.”

 

“I really pulled off the saggy look, right?”

 

“Super sexy. 10/10 would bang again.”

 

She laughed, her voice blending with the noise of the waves in the air. Saeyoung decided that he liked that combination. “I hope so! Maybe we’ll get it this time too?”

 

“Let’s aim for it together.”

 

* * *

* * *

“Saeyoung?” She whispered to him one night when he had been on the verge of sleep. He hummed and rolled over towards her to let her know he was listening even if his eyes were closed. “Is it selfish of me to say I’m glad you remember the timelines as well?”

 

Saeyoung peeked an eye open although it didn’t help him see much better. “Mm’o.” He slurred. “I dun th’nk so . . .”

 

“Okay.” She said quietly sounding reassured. “Okay, I’m glad.” He nuzzled a bit closer and sleepily searched for her hand. He landed on her arm and followed it until he found fingers and linked his own through hers. He wanted to question why she was asking, but he was already starting to succumb to the seduction of sleep. That was what happened when he stayed up far too late. He was more surprised that she had woken up long enough to think about these things.

 

“I would’ve been so lonely if I was the only one to remember.” She revealed almost like she was ashamed of it. “I don’t . . . I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

 

He squeezed her hand in his. “It won’t ever happen.” He declared strongly through his haze.

 

“I hope . . . I hope this stops soon. That there’s an end goal.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“If there isn’t then . . . what will we do?” Saeyoung didn’t respond. He wasn’t sure he wanted to consider that yet. The last time he had thought about it, he had nearly had a breakdown. It was better to ignore these types of things.

 

“We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.” He finally said. She laughed, and then didn’t say anymore after that.


End file.
